So, your team is out of the playoffs, eh?
Well, like it says up there in the headline, here are five things you can do.
1) Plant a Hoegaarden. Have you never done this? No? Here’s what you do: Take one bottle of Hoegaarden, preferably of the Grand Cru variety but Witbier and Julius are also acceptable, and drink the bejeebers out of it. Open another bottle, preferably with your eye socket, and drink it while miming the Belgian national anthem. If not yet taken into custody, drink a third beer. Now, convinced of its properties, dig a small hole in an open field and, into it, drop another full bottle. Water liberally with a Miller, Coors or Budweiser.
2) Get in shape. I know you hear this a lot. Get in shape! Or, alternately, In shape, is what you should get! Or, also alternately, Should, as it concerns you, is the appropriate approach to getting in shape! And with your team out of the playoffs, now is finally the time. In keeping with that desire, the shape I suggest to you – again, now that you have little to live for – is all curled up, in the far corner of a dark room, with a pillow over your head.
3) Adopt a highway. The nation’s highways are lonely. I know: I kind of live on one, and that highway speaks to me often of its desires, nay, its dreams of finding a good – albeit a very big, or at least very long – home. Here’s where you come in. Clear out that messy attic or basement – c’mon, you don’t need that old stuff! – and make room for … um … well, make room for me, quite frankly, and I will tell you more about how you can adopt a lonely highway.
4) Buy low, sell high. This is a well-known principle of buying and selling, but people still get it wrong. Here’s what you do: Go to your neighborhood helium dealer. In a voice like that of James Earl Jones – or, better, the dude from the Statler Brothers, you know, all “Daddy sang bass…” – and tell him you know a guy. “It don’t matter who, it don’t matter where. That don’t concern you. He wants product, see, and he’ll pay top dollar. Top. Dollar. Sell it to me cheap and I’ll sell it to him and we’ll go 60/40, or 68/32.” Then inhale half the stuff and sell the rest for 10 jujubes while singing Mariah Carey’s greatest hits.
5) Live fast, dye Young. You hear this a lot, but what does it really mean? I am here to tell you what it means: First, run around as fast as you can and don’t eat anything for a period of one week. You are covering your bases here, semantically. Then, with whatever strength you have left, crawl to the home of Neil Young – no, Delmon Young – and dye him periwinkle pink.
This has been 5 Things You Can With Your Team Et Cetera.
John Paschal is a regular contributor to The Hardball Times and The Hardball Times Baseball Annual.