“Hey, dad,” said Kevin Costner. “You wanna have a catch?”
“I’d like that,” said his dad.
They played catch.

Annie turned on the floodlights.
That’s better, thought Kevin Costner, this is a pivotal moment in my life, playing catch with my dead father. It’s good to be able to see the ball properly.

Kevin Costner heard a car. The car parked next to the baseball field. Then another. And another. Kevin Costner could see car headlights all the way up Dyersville East Road. There must’ve been over a hundred cars on the road.
“Hold on a moment, dad,” said Kevin Costner.
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Fans often are confused about which players are eligible for the postseason roster. Baseball actually changed the rule slightly this year, and it’s worth noting.

In the past, players on the 25-man roster as of Aug. 31 were eligible, along with players on the disabled list. The overall restriction was not that severe, however; any player in the organization could replace an injured player.

— Ken Rosenthal, 9/1/14

The new rule, as the article goes on to explain*, is that teams may choose anyone for the postseason roster, past or present, living or dead, who ever spent any time in their organization at all. That means that should the Royals avoid a September collapse and make the postseason, they will be adding 1980 George Brett and a whole bunch of Bret Saberhagens to their roster, in the hope of beating out 1932 Jimmie Foxx, 1901 Nap Lajoie, 1931 Lefty Grove, and the rest of the A’s powerhouse squad.

“We think it’s more fair this way,” said no one.

“Definitely,” said Brian Cashman.

“But– but– wait–” said Andrew Friedman.

The motivation behind the rule change is so that Derek Jeter isn’t robbed of a final postseason and gets to continue to log World Series at-bats for all of eternity.

“Oh, you didn’t explain it like that,” said Friedman. “Now it makes sense. Anything for Jeter.”

Ernie Banks is really hoping the Cubs can make it to the postseason someday soon. George Sisler also reportedly taking batting practice in his grave. (Not sure who is reporting that, but we’ll promote them to chief investigative correspondent.) Unclear how this new rule will affect Ted Williams, given his cryogenic condition.

*it does not

One of the problems with life in modern America is how difficult it is to know that you’re winning at it. In simpler times, it was enough to out-earn and out-consume our neighbors; now, most of us haven’t even met our neighbors. The horrors of the sepia-toned and antiseptic-scented nursing home has tarnished the allure of the long life. Fame, earned or purchased, is wasted on the lazy and disrespectful millenials, who seem to think their own lives are more important. Book clubs are out of vogue.

In such a world, it’s easy to become lost, to wonder why we bother to exist at all. We want to scatter our possessions and live out a Dave Eggers novel in the jungles of northwestern Brazil, or to donate our lives to some anonymous and probably corrupt charity organization. But instead, we have saved ourselves as a people by creating our own small hurdles to overcome. In search of tension to instill some vigor in our clichéd, meandering life stories, we have developed a fifth form of literary conflict: man versus food.

Thus I found myself in the concession line of Safeco Field under the turbulent skies of an early autumn. I must do this, I thought to myself, as two boys in front of me asked for a refill for their collectible bottomless plastic soda cup without receipt. I must do it for myself, and I must do it for everyone.

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Forget about whether he’s now learning how to selectively pull for power and hitting fewer weak ground balls, the real question that I hoped Tony Blengino’s (excellent) piece on the main site would answer is whether Dustin Ackley is “fixed” — whether his reproductive organs have been removed.

Initial evidence seems to indicate they haven’t been. He married his longtime girlfriend before the 2012 season. (A girlfriend whose cousin seemed to enjoy posting about their engagement on shady-looking Internet message boards).

But — check this out — he and his wife reportedly have two Yorkies:

As for Ackley, marriage has altered his life. He loved Justine for years, but now there are two young mouths to feed — Yorkies Dudley and Elli.

Ackley is smitten.

“I’ve always had dogs, usually bigger dogs like golden retrievers. When Justine wanted a dog, she wanted a Yorkie,” he said. “I can’t go more than a couple days without seeing them now, or I start missing them.

“Dudley might be the smartest dog I’ve ever known. I get dressed in the morning, he goes to the front door and waits. He knows I’m leaving. “He’s like a human in a dog’s body.”

The real question is: are his Yorkies fixed? And — conspiracy theory — if Dudley is so smart, a “human in a dog’s body” — perhaps Ackley is in fact a “dog in a human’s body,” the two have switched souls, and when Dudley was supposedly at the vet’s office for his procedure… Ackley was in fact the one being fixed.

Just something to think about if you really, truly, have nothing to think about on this fine Tuesday afternoon.

IMAGE: is that a baseball… or a baseball… if you know what I mean.