An acquaintance of the author’s recently suggested that the virtue of Brutalist architecture is how it reminds one constantly of the miseries extant in this life.
This footage of Marwin Gonzalez breaking up Yu Darvish’s perfect game after 26 outs is the same thing, probably.
As a service to the public, the author presents here footage of Yu Darvish’s first swinging-strike of the season — a ca. 90 mph cut fastball to Houston third baseman Brett Wallace from, like, 20 minutes ago or something (box):
As noted in this space, Banknotes Harper is about business, except on those occasions when he is not about business, and even at those times he is about business.
It follows, then, that Banknotes Harper’s unrelenting business travel schedule requires him to spend every spare moment in the high-level business skies and then arguing forcefully in Tokyo boardrooms, arbitraging on Abu Dhabi trading floors, and — while wearing an Oleg Cassini hardhat — pointing rolled-up architectural documents to indicate various cost-saving-but-against-code structural changes he’d like to see inside a Shanghai factory (“Take that load-bearing beam and have one of your boys make me a cigar-store Indian out of it,” for instance).
As Banknotes Harper will be quick to tell you, there’s no better way to let business know you mean business than by pounding a conference table. “The time for talking has passed,” such a gesture communicates. “Let us now transfer redeemable currencies and deeds of ownership.”
“While I’m interested in having Maroon 5 play the company retreat in Palm Beach, I’m not interested in the rates you just quoted me,” is something else it says.
Dropping a fleshy money hammer on the conference table has been known to send ripples through all market indices in all parts of the world that matter, especially when Banknotes Harper does it.
The problem for the high-ranking global executive is that when he — not she — is, say, attending a groundbreaking ceremony in Seoul or chit-chatting at a $128.6-million-per-plate super-pac fundraiser in international waters, there’s often no pounding-grade conference table to be found. The solution? The Banknotes Harper Portable Conference Table, For Pounding!
Yes, pictured above at its actual size is the Banknotes Harper Portable Conference Table, For Pounding. “Need to cow a recalcitrant regulator while pausing momentarily on the heli-pad?” Endorses Banknotes Harper himself. “This Banknotes Harper Portable Conference Table, For Pounding, which folds out to accommodate no fewer than one Business Soup-Bone, will seal the deal. Folded up, it fits in a tailored suit pocket or cigarette case. Fuckers.”
Available through SkyMall.
When I encounter new people, sometimes the subject of me being a baseball fan is breached. They inevitably ask me if I’m a Twins fan. I say I am, partly because it’s true and partly because small talk greatly increases my social anxiety symptoms. There was a time when I strayed away from baseball — this is probably more suited for another post — but suffice it to say that when I did come back, the Twins were a big part of it. When I returned, I returned with vigor and considered the Cheap Seats (capitalized because that was the actual name of the section) at the Metrodome my second home for years.
But part of my reintroduction was to make sure I paid attention to everything going on. I wanted to make sure I didn’t miss anything, regardless of team. This is something I still hold on to. I care about the Twins, but I’m a fan of the sport. It was a part of my starting over, and it remains with me.
Starting over is a plot point for countless books, movies, and TV shows. A character wants to be rid of their current situation and works to change it. The character’s past usually catches up with them before the end, despite their best efforts. This is common in fiction because it holds true in our world. It’s incredibly difficult to leave your past behind. It lingers. It haunts.
A terrific read to start continue your week: Michael J. Mooney’s profile of Brandon McCarthy over at Buzzfeed.
[T]he Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher, who will begin his eighth season with his fourth different organization when he takes the ball Opening Day, comes across as genuine and unaffected, whether it’s to his 100,000+ Twitter followers or in his living room….
“I became addicted to Fangraphs,” he says, referring to a popular stat-head website. “If I wanted to stop sucking, I knew I needed to change something.” He looked at which pitches lead to more runs. At the end of his stretch with the Rangers, he made the conscious decision to remake himself as a pitcher….
“After the injury, trying to be funny was one of the things that helped me clarify my thoughts,” he says, still sitting on the same couch where he came up with most of his ideas. “I always liked the idea of writing, but actually writing is harder than hell. Having an idea is one thing, but creating characters and a universe and then giving them words and all that is completely another idea all together.”
The entire piece is a must-read.
Below is an audio clip that is either an audio clip of an avant-garde work by late American composer John Cage or the result of an attempt by the author to record, this afternoon, a conversation with Rockies closer Rafael Betancourt regarding the latter’s tendency (documented last August by Jeff Sullivan) to work almost exclusively on the outside corner of the strike zone to left-handed batters — except, instead of that conversation, is only silence for reasons likely owing to the author’s incompetence.
Below the audio clip is a quiz of some consequence, which the reader is invited to take.
When the BBWAA admitted the present author to its ranks, what they likely had in mind is that he’d produce high-quality content like that which follows — namely, a 20-second audio clip of Ryan Braun taking batting practice today at Miller Park, and ending in an sound effect called Large/Sharp/Boomy Explosion with Falling Debris.
I know that NotGraphs probably isn’t the right place for this, but BREAKING NEWS from Citi Field — Jonathan Niese is a last-minute scratch from his opening day start, and Johan Santana will be taking the mound after all. Buzz is that he sought a third opinion on his shoulder before undergoing surgery, and it turns out that there was a smudge on the previous x-ray that had gone unnoticed. His shoulder is actually in pristine condition, and the Mets rushed him to the clubhouse this morning. These are actual photos taken right now at Citi Field, as Johan takes his warmups.
Oh, wait, that last one — apparently Johan has just been traded back to the Twins. Like, just now. And he’s going to be taking Vance Worley’s place as their Opening Day starter, he just switched into the uniform in between warmup pitches and transported himself to Minnesota. Still waiting on word as far as why the Twins have decided to go with the gray road jerseys for the home opener. NotGraphs about to grab an exclusive with Chuck Knoblauch, who’s starting at second base this afternoon…. More to come.
#aprilfools
#noonefooled
This weekend, in what has become a self-compensatory tradition, I went to my local sports cards merchandiser and purchased a large box of baseball cards. Sadly, I learned that this particular box contained special types of baseball cards called “football cards” and “basketball cards”, some bearing titles like “Beam Team” and “X-Cite” and “Sky Pilots”. Needless to say, I gave these cards the attention they deserved, stacking them neatly on the curb outside a Seven-Eleven while waiting at a red light.
Reaching home, I took a seat on the couch, threw on the soundtrack to the 1980s version of Metropolis, and prepared myself for a healthy dose of Opening Day nostalgia. Instead, my cards slapped me in the face with the force of a hundred Bob Hamelins. Among my prize were such Debbie Downers as these:
Known and worthy sabermetric Lewie Pollis recently conffessed to an .067 batting average and a .533 on-base percentage. His numbers reminded me so piercingly of my own .000/.380/.000 slash (15+ steals) from grad school and my adult amateur league that I began to wonder: What kind of slash would a team — a fast-pitch, adult amateur team — comprised solely of NotGraphs writers, readers, and trolls post?
So, in the form below, please do kindly post your best guess for your career baseball slash — preferably high school through college through adult amateur leagues. No softball, please. Even I can hit a softball.
