Do not wonder, reader, whether I have modified a dispatch from the official Twitter feed of the Cleveland baseball Indians for my own, nefarious purposes. Wonder instead how many of your friends and family will die tragically from Carlos Baerga Fever, which is probably a really serious and actual thing.
According the Center for Disease Control, any of the following might be symptoms of Carlos Baerga Fever:
“Fashion is art,” as Daniel Radcliffe once may have said. And whether you agree with him or not, you must resign yourself to the fact that you live in a world in which others do. The hat you adorn yourself with as you leave your house or apartment will, however unwillingly, help shape your identity in the eyes of colleagues and strangers. It could, for example, help you nail that big interview at the firm, earn an extra ten percent on your daily panhandling, or ward off potential conversations on the bus during your commute. It’s a choice that you should make carefully.
With this in mind, we, the dapper assemblage at NotGraphs, are endeavoring to make this critical life choice as simple as possible by reflecting on a few of the myriad of options available to the credit card-wielding internet shopper. Today’s enterprise: how to troll.
Part 1: Trolling Your World Series Opponent
Want something that celebrates the accomplishments of young men who have no idea that you exist? Want to do it in a way that smacks of the bombast and heraldry that a self-selected avatar of a champion richly deserves? Wear a hat with a World Series ring on it. On your head! A ring! Rings don’t even go on heads! The blatant absurdity will be sure to demoralize any past adversaries.
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Part One is here. This is Part Two…
Names from Score’s Baseball’s Hottest Rookies 1989-1990 Book & Card Set.
Words selected via Google search (“__________ is”).
Images chosen from the name’s Google image search results
Chip Hale
chip hale is lurking on the outside
Erik Hanson
erik hanson is upset about the harsh reality of working the web
Pete Harnisch
pete harnisch is the fifth player in franchise history to be named pete
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From the American version of the 1986 video for same.
A search at lucky-best Baseball-Reference turns up this meadow of delights …
I have hopes on this day. Chief among them is that “Abner Deatherage” (the lilac hue of his Information Hot Link betrays my curiosity) is not, as the lamewad rationalist within suspects, pronounced “Abner DEATH-ur-ehj.” Instead, the Walter Mitty star-gazer part of me — which I keep buried in my tattered and smelly idiot’s shoe (I own but a single shoe) — hopes that this fine man’s name is pronounced “ABNER DEATH-RAGE” — every syllable accented because every syllable will wreck that shit.
It simply must be.
It simply must be.
A fine young performer named INK, along with his friends Illicit, Zica, and Pain, have put together a “bumping track,” as the kids say, called “Texas Back at It.” Enjoy:
