Actor Jon Hamm is both (a) classically handsome and (b) if not expressly funny himself, at least a talented comic straight man. Which is to say, reader, that there are two reasons why I, personally, would derive some satisfaction from kicking Jon Hamm right in his stupid, handsome shins.

In a perfect world, Hamm would grow a third shin somehow, too, so I could kick him in that for narrating the dumb Cardinals World Series video, which will probably be so dumb that it’ll make everyone really dumb.

In conclusion, this guy:

Hi. Welcome to MLBistro, where the flavors are as big as Don Mossi’s ears. We hope you find something you like!

STARTERS

Rick Portacello Mushroom Sliders   $9
Veggie option getting a crack at our permanent menu for the first time.

Carlos JalaPeña Poppers (15)     $7
Often, you’ll miss your mouth completely when you try to eat these delicious goat-cheese-stuffed and deep-fried peppers, but when they connect, they connect with big flavor. For the price, we think it’s worth a couple of swings and misses.

Cheese Cheese Sabathia     $13
Selection of artisanal cheeses from Wisconsin, Ohio, and New York. We coat each cheese in cream cheese and top it off with a lovably crooked ball cap made of cocoa frosting.

Miguel Olivo Tapenade     $10
Thick crostini, roasted capers.

The Prince Fielder    $32
All of the above.

The David Wells     $37
The Prince Fielder, beer battered and deep-fried. Served as a misshapen brick.

The Rod Beck     $55
The David Wells, served with a six-pack of Old Style cans and a “bump.”

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Every real baseball fan has a well-tuned internal clock that tells them exactly when Major League Baseball is set to begin another season. We all know that early January itch. After being distracted by the winter holidays, we start to yearn for the first sign of a pitcher or a catcher. And then, in the dead of winter, just when you’ve gotten that itch, time seems to stop.

Still, we know we will be rewarded for our patience and the end of February will finally arrive.

With all that said, though, despite knowing full well when baseball is scheduled to return, how many times will you go to the simple yet useful website isitspringtrainingyet.com and press “refresh” hoping, praying, that the next time it loads it will say something different?

53. I’ve done it 53 times.

—

Thank you to NotGraphs reader Dave Yeager who created this website and sent it along to us, with this note:

A couple years ago my buddy Dan kept bothering me during work about whether or not it was spring training yet as we pined for baseball. In the interest of getting him to leave me alone I created this helpful website for him.

Perhaps it can help you as well.

Indeed, Dave.

Young Curtis Granderson’s mustache has been described as “effortful.”

While others see in Young Curtis Granderson’s choice of collars faint hints of militarism or marchingbandism, Young Curtis Granderson wears this particular shirt because the menswear at Chess King is both affordable and stylish.

The chain around Young Curtis Granderson’s neck is not a fashion accoutrement; it is there in case Young Curtis Granderson wins a medal. Most likely this medal would be awarded for triumph in competitive pursuits known variously as “AP calculus” or “kissing” or “sports” or “life in general.”

Underneath Young Curtis Granderson’s shirt there is another chain, one choker-length in design and execution and one you cannot see. It is there because Young Curtis Granderson’s mighty heart needs a friend.

Young Curtis Granderson finds it difficult to listen to New Jack Swing because Young Curtis Granderson is New Jack Swing.

Young Curtis Granderson smiles not to ingratiate; Young Curtis Granderson smiles because Young Curtis Granderson is Young Curtis Granderson, which makes for happiness.

Sometimes, Young Curtis Granderson daydreams of having a catch with Jean-Jacques Rousseau or Tevin Campbell.

To Young Curtis Granderson, the future is a consenting adult. Young Curtis Granderson will first buy the future a nice dinner.

(HT: Snakkle and Todd’s championship Twitter feed)

Manny in his younger days.

The San Francisco Chronicle recently reprinted a nearly fifty year old piece about Manny the Noodle and a supposed conspiracy to get the Dodgers into the World Series by slipping a mickey into a certain Giant’s outfielder’s oatmeal. A notable quote from the bookie incredulously asked “So baseball is different from everything else? Honest or something? Money wins every time, kid. You ride with the money or you’re dead.”

If only to enjoy more elite-level wordsmithing, we caught up with Manny, now fast approaching the century mark and enjoying his lime rickeys in Vero Beach. He had a few more revelations for us.

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As a Google Image search has quickly revealed, Ryan Barry — that’s Barry with an a — is an underwear model with a seriously devout gay following.

For all of Barry-with-an-A’s muscular muscles, however, I feel very comfortable in stating that Baltimore Oriole right-handed pitching prospect Ryan Berry — that’s Berry with an e, America — is more photogenic than both (a) his quasi-namesake and (b) basically everybody else.

Allow this click-and-embiggenable image (courtesy Gallery 2) to serve as Exhibit A:

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Harry Caray’s Italian Steakhouse is popular among the country’s literati.

When it became clear that a certain hard-hearted colleague was unwilling to host my wife and me on the eve of our Thanksgiving-morning flight from O’Hare to Boston, necessity dictated that we find lodging in the vicinity of the airport. And when it became clear that the Holiday Inn and Suites in nearby Rosemont, Illinois, offered not only reasonable rates but counted among its amenities Harry Caray’s World Famous Italian Steakhouse, good sense dictated that we make a reservation there (i.e. the Holiday Inn and Suites) post-haste.

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Yahoo! Answers is probably the best thing about the internet, and certainly the best place to go to get a good gauge on the hottest topics in baseball.  Just quickly dipping into the ether is an immediately gratifying experience, but I would also like to encourage you to proceed with a certain degree of caution, and to echo the sentiment of the opening words of American Psycho: “Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here.”  Now, just a few of the many questions posed, all in the last 24 hours:

Who is the quintessential replacement player?

Why is Yuniesky Betancourt considered a terrible player?

If you have ordered “wholesale jerseys” from japan how was your experience?

I need a Video of Mike Schmidt on the Internet?

What do you need to be able to do to make a small high school team like Troy, OH with a pop. of 25,000?

How would you persuade a cubs fan that the cardinals are a far superior team? 

How much would a Louis Tiant singed baseball be worth? 

What are my chances of making it to the MLB? 

What do you say to old ladies when you see them at a baseball game? 

Why do most players steal a lot fewer bases as they approach and pass 30 years old?

Ah Bartleby! Ah Humanity!

You may or may not be familiar with former New York Times sportswriter Murray Chass, and his blog. (That link to Wikipedia gives a decent summary: in short, Chass not a huge fan of statistics, bloggers, and Mike Piazza.) I leave it to others to cast broader judgment. I write this post only to express a little bit of confusion regarding his latest blog entry, featuring the headline:

WITH THIS WOULD-BE MANAGER,
V IS FOR LOSER

(Referring to Bobby Valentine, and his possible hiring by the Red Sox.)

Are there really no words starting with the letter V that mean loser, or something close?

Because that seems like an awfully weak headline if there’s any chance at all to find a word that starts with a V — or even has a V somewhere in it.

Faced with no better ideas for a post today, I decided to look for some possible alternatives. You may be able to do better in the comments.

My contenders:

1.
With this would-be manager,
V IS FOR VERBOSE,
which he is, often to the detriment of his players

2.
With this would-be manager,
V IS FOR VAUDEVILLIAN PERFORMANCES,
like wearing a disguise in the dugout

3.
With this would-be manager,
V IS FOR THE VOMITING
he inspires in me

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If you prefer your news to be five days old, then you’ll be gobsmacked to learn that White Sox GM Kenny Williams had his posh Chicago townhouse robbed and violated recently. This of course sounds like bad news, but thanks to the efforts of a certain plucky urchin we’ve learned a few things about Mr. Williams. To damn wit:

• Mr. Kenny Williams drinks beer.
• Mr. Kenny Williams enjoys the occasional lobster dinner, and, yes, you may box that up for him.
• Mr. Kenny Williams owns a fur.
• Mr. Kenny Williams drives a Cadillac.
• Mr. Kenny Williams owns a fur and drives a Cadillac.
• Mr. Kenny Williams will wear a championship ring even if it has recently been worn by a smelly hobo.
• Mr. Kenny Williams does not have a record of “sexual abuse charges dating to the 1980s,” but SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN IN HIS HOUSE DOES.

The great Bill Veeck had a habit of referring to front-office execs as “operators.” In light of this and those, you may now regard Mr. Kenny Williams as a “smooth operator.”